(please note this was written with more than a bit of irony and sarcasm…)
If there is anyone unqualified to write a ‘Self Help’ book, it is me. Therefore, in the spirit of the times, I will do exactly that. Being amazingly unqualified is now a major qualification. Using alternative facts and relying on my ability to write fiction I believe I will create a book that will help no one – but will sell lots of copies thus serving me. Again in the spirit of the times, I’m putting Mark First. I’m tired of thinking about others.
If there is a single lesson for 2017 it’s that we waste too much time thinking. And worrying about what we say and do. I mean, what good is being clear? Being kind? Being courteous?Caring for the poor? I mean, who in their right mind would ever call for any of that stuff!?The beauty of words, their poetic strength is the fact that taken together none of them mean anything.
I was sad and depressed. I was also filled with anxiety. Bummer I said to myself. Then I realized I’d be happier if I was a jerk to everyone! And maybe even found lies I could tell that somehow made me money. Now I had a goal!
I immediately started treating people at my house pretending I was a ‘Dr.’ This was a huge market since we all know no one deserves healthcare unless they can pay for all of it. But I was open minded and offered to take anything for my ‘treatments’. (By the way on my business card I always put ‘Dr.’ in single quotes thus indemnifying myself. You have to get up pretty early to fool this worm!)
I was paid in cash, food, a few pets which I resold for research, things are going great and I got rid of all kinds of old pills and medicines I had in my bathroom.
Authorities. Who needs them, right!? After a few weeks I get visited by all kinds of ‘officials’ telling me I can’t treat people in my own house! My OWN house! Obviously ridiculous. And they told me I can’t tell people I’m a Dr. I said, I’m not a Dr. I am a ‘Dr.’ Government overreach once again. I think medical licenses should be sold to the highest bidder. Let the market work its magic!
I’ve opened a new training center where I teach them the “Mark Way to Make Themselves Number 1”! You might think they would be worried that since I am always number 1 and put myself first that I might put them second or third. Well They didn’t ask me about that and if they did I would just laugh. Maybe tell them a funny story about when I was a male model.
The IRS wants to see my ‘books’. My what? The easy answer is, I don’t use books for my new businesses. Plus when I put myself first that means I don’t pay taxes. Why would I help all those do-nothings? Like the bald guy who lives up the hill from me who explained that we need to protect our money or the do-nothings will take it. He said, we gotta look out for ourselves now. Yeah! Of course when I broke all the windows in his house because I think he’s sort of an ass he didn’t seem so happy. But putting my desires first is what made me great!
So here it is – my dream world. No one helps anyone. Everyone suspects everyone. Nothing is made overseas which is great because the cost of a radio is now $5,000. And I’m still number one, sitting in my cave enjoying beans. Great beans. Better beans than ever. And I wonder what those cry baby liberals and worthless do-nothings are up to? But I’m the King now and putting myself first all the damn time is how I made myself so rich and powerful and wonderful. Mark First!