My new Self Help book for 2017.

(please note this was written with more than a bit of irony and sarcasm…)

If there is anyone unqualified to write a ‘Self Help’ book, it is me. Therefore, in the spirit of the times, I will do exactly that. Being amazingly unqualified is now a major qualification. Using alternative facts and relying on my ability to write fiction I believe I will create a book that will help no one – but will sell lots of copies thus serving me. Again in the spirit of the times, I’m putting Mark First. I’m tired of thinking about others.

If there is a single lesson for 2017 it’s that we waste too much time thinking. And worrying about what we say and do. I mean, what good is being clear? Being kind? Being courteous?Caring for the poor? I mean, who in their right mind would ever call for any of that stuff!?The beauty of words, their poetic strength is the fact that taken together none of them mean anything.

Chapter 1

I was sad and depressed. I was also filled with anxiety. Bummer I said to myself. Then I realized I’d be happier if I was a jerk to everyone! And maybe even found lies I could tell that somehow made me money. Now I had a goal!

Chapter 2

I immediately started treating people at my house pretending I was a ‘Dr.’ This was a huge market since we all know no one deserves healthcare unless they can pay for all of it. But I was open minded and offered to take anything for my ‘treatments’. (By the way on my business card I always put ‘Dr.’ in single quotes thus indemnifying myself. You have to get up pretty early to fool this worm!)

I was paid in cash, food, a few pets which I resold for research, things are going great and I got rid of all kinds of old pills and medicines I had in my bathroom.

Chapter 3

Authorities. Who needs them, right!? After a few weeks I get visited by all kinds of ‘officials’ telling me I can’t treat people in my own house! My OWN house! Obviously ridiculous. And they told me I can’t tell people I’m a Dr. I said, I’m not a Dr. I am a ‘Dr.’ Government overreach once again. I think medical licenses should be sold to the highest bidder. Let the market work its magic!

Chapter 4

I’ve opened a new training center where I teach them the “Mark Way to Make Themselves Number 1”! You might think they would be worried that since I am always number 1 and put myself first that I might put them second or third. Well They didn’t ask me about that and if they did I would just laugh. Maybe tell them a funny story about when I was a male model.

Chapter 5

The IRS wants to see my ‘books’. My what? The easy answer is, I don’t use books for my new businesses. Plus when I put myself first that means I don’t pay taxes. Why would I help all those do-nothings? Like the bald guy who lives up the hill from me who explained that we need to protect our money or the do-nothings will take it. He said, we gotta look out for ourselves now. Yeah! Of course when I broke all the windows in his house because I think he’s sort of an ass he didn’t seem so happy. But putting my desires first is what made me great!

Chapter 6

So here it is – my dream world. No one helps anyone. Everyone suspects everyone. Nothing is made overseas which is great because the cost of  a radio is now $5,000. And I’m still number one, sitting in my cave enjoying beans. Great beans. Better beans than ever. And I wonder what those cry baby liberals and worthless do-nothings are up to?  But I’m the King now and putting myself first all the damn time is how I made myself so rich and powerful and wonderful. Mark First!

 

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About mfearing

Illustrator.
This entry was posted in Blatherings, writing fiction. Bookmark the permalink.

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